1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
