Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
