somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
