I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
