I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
