LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
