I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
