I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
