I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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