Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
