I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
