You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
