you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
