You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
