I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
