Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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