She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
