I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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