Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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