I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
