Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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