totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
