Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
