then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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