I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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