i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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