Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
