Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
