I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wear drunk well.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
