I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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