I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
