So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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