i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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