Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
