Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my sisters under your porch take her home
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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