The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
