this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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