I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Randomize
