I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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