Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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