So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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