I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
