Banned from zoo.
Again?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
