Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
