Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
