When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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