I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
