I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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