So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
