I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
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