Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
